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No Conclusion

For months I have been writing unfinished blog posts.

Poems seem to be the only thing that can flow through my fingers.

Maybe because in a poem I don’t feel I need to come to a conclusion.

I like closing a blog posts with a humph

That they give people a sense of closure, a how to an aha moment

But my postpartum experience hasn’t come with closures or a how to.

It has arrived with as many shades of emotions as Bob Ross painting canvas.

I feel like I have walked through fire and some days even the heat from the sun can light me up.

I feel like I was inserted in a blender (the high power type) but somehow came out even though they are still pieces of me missing.

You get the point. It has been “roughly-beautiful”

Beautiful to find unconditional love not from as many people as I wished but from just enough to get me through and through.

Beautiful to move my meditation practice from a sitting position to a breastfeeding, walking, driving, diaper changing position.

Beautiful when I can turn my thoughts into white noise.

When I can see deep into a new mothers eye and say “it will get better”

Beautiful to have a mantra that I have repeated so many times its starting to sink in. Somedays its even true.

So no big conclusion on my end. Still working on those blog posts, on becoming a mother, on embracing every shade, on trusting the process as it unfolds……

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Bullys and Writing

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Bullys and Writing

Writing has always felt like a warm bed in a cold night. I was never amazing at it. My grammar was always off, never knew when to use the commas, periods or change a paragraph yet it always felt like the right thing to do. So I did. I wrote with a pen pal, I wrote on a journal, to a lover, on a kind of secret blog.

Always very cautious of who reads what I write. As social media started to expand, I started to contract. All this people I know and all I could think is what would they think of who I’ve become and what I have to say.

The more I work on myself, the more I have been able to understand that this fear, that this judgement, is not about what other people think about me. It’s about my inner bully showing up and saying all the mean things at the right time.

The only way to “fight” our inner bully is to stand by its side and give him the hug he never got. To say “I see you and you no longer have to protect me”

So Goodnight Bully we are going to bed. 

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A lesson from my ex

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A lesson from my ex

When I was 19 I met my first heart break. He was the son of a millionaire and made me feel like I had the winning lottery ticket, like I was the king (queen) of the world as long as I had him by my side. He felt so entitled to life.

The ride lasted 8 months and I was thrown out of the roller coaster at its highest peak. The way down was nasty and looking back I don’t think the ride was that good at all to be honest. I was no longer the Queen, I was a peasant that would die for him to love me back.

It took me years to get over him. Lots and lots of tears. Cheap alcohol. Friends and family that would hear the same story over and over again. A few terrible books such as “He Is Not That Into You” followed by a few good pieces of advice.

During a recent meditation that old flame came up, and usually that would bring this immediate feeling of anger towards myself. Why did I hold on? How could I have not loved myself more? But this time around I started taking my own advice and approached it differently. I became so utterly curious and created space to explore. I started to notice that he was showing up as this belief of feeling less, of not being worthy. A belief that shows up in my life from time to time and specially now as new and exciting things are happening. My sense of security is constantly threated by this belief and bringing awareness to this has helped me understand the place where these feelings come from and how they no longer serve me.

 

So what are some new things old relationships can teach you? If you would like to explore more. Please email me would love here from you. 

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