Viewing entries tagged
meditation

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Healing

For the last couple of weeks, maybe months I have been waking up between 3:30-5am staying in bed tossing and turning (thank you hormones) eventually giving up, going downstairs and sitting down to meditate. There is something very special about meditating at that time. It’s as if only me and nature are awake (maybe a couple other people with insomnia). I have witnessed shooting stars, a raccoon that could eat my cat for breakfast and a skunk whose smell has penetrated my brain.

Recently my meditations had been what you could consider “uneventful” thinking, coming back to my breath, thinking, coming back to my breath, a glimpse of insight, coming back to my breath….. But the other day a memory kept showing up as an image in my mind- I was 17 hanging out at a friend’s house when I decided to place a Christmas Sphere on my mouth thinking it would be hilarious. Instead, it completely shattered inside my mouth (on my defense I didn’t grow up with a Christmas tree and had no idea how sensitive those spheres were)

As this random image showed up I asked myself “What needs my attention?” “What needs healing?” I placed my hand in my heart and asked “What can I do for you?” and I sensed myself at 17. This girl who was the life of the party, who acted so strong and confident but deep in her eyes was a shame a sense of loneliness, of not belonging anywhere. She was her own mother and father.

I sat with her. I felt what she felt at the time. As I write this I can still feel her. I hugged her and started to rock her “I’m here for you,” I said. “I’ve always been here for you” “you will make it through” I started to sob because cry would be an understatement. Until we stopped. As if the pain was being washed away. As if space was being created inside me for her to live.

Healing takes time. It doesn’t happen overnight but it starts with our attention. When we are ready to stop looking for the answers, apologizes and forgiveness from others and we are ready to start having the conversations with the parts of ourselves that have been hurt and shamed. When we can be vulnerable and compassionate at the same time for the people that hurt us and the versions of ourselves that came before us and for the “us” that carries them with us all along.

It’s not the first time I experience talking to parts of myself that seem to live in the shadows and I’m sure it’s not the last time. Trauma gets trapped in our bodies even if our minds are not aware. I wrote about the lenses we use not long ago and I believe this is how we peel some of the layers. Talking to a therapist or booking a session with me might also help :)

So we stop experiencing the world from our distorted (hurt) perspective.

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Light and Dark

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Light and Dark

Today during Yoga class the subject of darkness was brought up and how staying in the light is no easy task. Even the comics think Star Wars, Superman became darker with time.

This really got me thinking- “What makes us stay in the light?” we all go through hard times in our life, at some point or another we are crossed by somebody we trusted, somebody we love passes away, our heart is broken, friends are lost, parents aren’t who we thought they were. Every day we are given reasons to let go of our nature, of our goodness, of our light.

This is what keeps me light.

-          Humor- Even a fake smile long enough makes you genuinely smile.

-          Relationships- Having people to turn to when it gets rough can feel like not having to carry the supermarket, while holding crying twins. (just the idea made me tense)

-          Trust- That where we are, is where we should be.  

-          Curiosity- This one is new for me. But looking at every experience like a tourist with no judgment. Think Tarzan style…

-          Movement- My mom always asks me why I move so much. I find that giving my body movement brings space in my mind and heart. Movement sometimes looks like yoga and other it looks like a homeless off her meds ( sorry)

-          Breath- Oh breath just the word makes me feel light.

So what keeps you on the light side? 

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Bullys and Writing

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Bullys and Writing

Writing has always felt like a warm bed in a cold night. I was never amazing at it. My grammar was always off, never knew when to use the commas, periods or change a paragraph yet it always felt like the right thing to do. So I did. I wrote with a pen pal, I wrote on a journal, to a lover, on a kind of secret blog.

Always very cautious of who reads what I write. As social media started to expand, I started to contract. All this people I know and all I could think is what would they think of who I’ve become and what I have to say.

The more I work on myself, the more I have been able to understand that this fear, that this judgement, is not about what other people think about me. It’s about my inner bully showing up and saying all the mean things at the right time.

The only way to “fight” our inner bully is to stand by its side and give him the hug he never got. To say “I see you and you no longer have to protect me”

So Goodnight Bully we are going to bed. 

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A lesson from my ex

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A lesson from my ex

When I was 19 I met my first heart break. He was the son of a millionaire and made me feel like I had the winning lottery ticket, like I was the king (queen) of the world as long as I had him by my side. He felt so entitled to life.

The ride lasted 8 months and I was thrown out of the roller coaster at its highest peak. The way down was nasty and looking back I don’t think the ride was that good at all to be honest. I was no longer the Queen, I was a peasant that would die for him to love me back.

It took me years to get over him. Lots and lots of tears. Cheap alcohol. Friends and family that would hear the same story over and over again. A few terrible books such as “He Is Not That Into You” followed by a few good pieces of advice.

During a recent meditation that old flame came up, and usually that would bring this immediate feeling of anger towards myself. Why did I hold on? How could I have not loved myself more? But this time around I started taking my own advice and approached it differently. I became so utterly curious and created space to explore. I started to notice that he was showing up as this belief of feeling less, of not being worthy. A belief that shows up in my life from time to time and specially now as new and exciting things are happening. My sense of security is constantly threated by this belief and bringing awareness to this has helped me understand the place where these feelings come from and how they no longer serve me.

 

So what are some new things old relationships can teach you? If you would like to explore more. Please email me would love here from you. 

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