For months I have been writing unfinished blog posts.
Poems seem to be the only thing that can flow through my fingers.
Maybe because in a poem I don’t feel I need to come to a conclusion.
I like closing a blog posts with a humph
That they give people a sense of closure, a how to an aha moment
But my postpartum experience hasn’t come with closures or a how to.
It has arrived with as many shades of emotions as Bob Ross painting canvas.
I feel like I have walked through fire and some days even the heat from the sun can light me up.
I feel like I was inserted in a blender (the high power type) but somehow came out even though they are still pieces of me missing.
You get the point. It has been “roughly-beautiful”
Beautiful to find unconditional love not from as many people as I wished but from just enough to get me through and through.
Beautiful to move my meditation practice from a sitting position to a breastfeeding, walking, driving, diaper changing position.
Beautiful when I can turn my thoughts into white noise.
When I can see deep into a new mothers eye and say “it will get better”
Beautiful to have a mantra that I have repeated so many times its starting to sink in. Somedays its even true.
So no big conclusion on my end. Still working on those blog posts, on becoming a mother, on embracing every shade, on trusting the process as it unfolds……