Every so often I find it really hard to sit. It’s as if my meditation cushion becomes a torture chair. Has this ever happened to you? Usually, there is something going on. Maybe an emotion we don’t want to feel, something scary or uncomfortable.
I wrote on the Facebook Private Group that days like that I dance/move like a crazy lady to my favorite song. It helps, it really helps. If you don’t have a meditation practice that is a great place to start. After many days struggling with my sitting practice this little story happened.
Sat with unworthiness the other day.
No idea it was still there after all these years.
Thought I had outgrown it
That self-love and self-care had taken care of it.
Didn’t notice it was just hiding behind the feeling of not fitting in and wanting to be seen.
It was there all along.
Felt it on the right side of my neck, from my throat to my shoulder like a muscle spasm, completely stuck.
“Seriously?” I said “I thought you were long gone”
I felt how my whole body clenched.
“Sorry,” I said “Should know better. Let me bring you some tea”
Knowing that tea was the right thing to do but secretly hoping it would leave afterward.
Sat back again breathing calmly, feeling all the layers of Unworthiness.
“Why?” I asked with a slight tone of defeat.
Unworthiness started laughing as if I had told it my funniest joke.
I froze didn’t know unworthiness had a sense of humor.
“Sweetie the why makes no difference- I exist in most people some might not recognize me, others don’t get scared of me but I’m not just yours to own and feel sorry for”
Not knowing what to say next I bowed.
Because that is my practice. To honor whatever shows up even what seems unpraised.