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No Conclusion

For months I have been writing unfinished blog posts.

Poems seem to be the only thing that can flow through my fingers.

Maybe because in a poem I don’t feel I need to come to a conclusion.

I like closing a blog posts with a humph

That they give people a sense of closure, a how to an aha moment

But my postpartum experience hasn’t come with closures or a how to.

It has arrived with as many shades of emotions as Bob Ross painting canvas.

I feel like I have walked through fire and some days even the heat from the sun can light me up.

I feel like I was inserted in a blender (the high power type) but somehow came out even though they are still pieces of me missing.

You get the point. It has been “roughly-beautiful”

Beautiful to find unconditional love not from as many people as I wished but from just enough to get me through and through.

Beautiful to move my meditation practice from a sitting position to a breastfeeding, walking, driving, diaper changing position.

Beautiful when I can turn my thoughts into white noise.

When I can see deep into a new mothers eye and say “it will get better”

Beautiful to have a mantra that I have repeated so many times its starting to sink in. Somedays its even true.

So no big conclusion on my end. Still working on those blog posts, on becoming a mother, on embracing every shade, on trusting the process as it unfolds……

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Birthing and Dying

Something died when I gave birth.

The illusion of having it together

Of being separate

The predictability of my life

The feeling of control over the future and the freedom of the present

In the death of an illusion I was stretched open

Space was created physically and metaphorically

Space for a dance between love and sadness, joy and anxiety all to co-exist in the same day

Space for old wounds to resurface

Beliefs that had been lingering deep down inside me

Space for healing and for a new depth of being

While I keep looking at uncertainty straight in the face

It’s not about the “old me” and the “new me”.

It’s about the death of an illusion before the next illusion arises

It’s about the hardest thing I have ever done in my life

Being completely broken open and the only antidote is kindness and presence

 

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40 Days of Paradox

Unmedicated Birth was raw, rough and yet grounded and beautiful.

I have felt love that could lift a car and sadness that could fill a river.

I’ve experienced pain through the same area of my body that had always given me pleasure.

I’ve lost track of time and yet keep checking the clock.

I’ve inhaled joy through the top of her head and gagged through her bottom.

I keep thinking there is nowhere I rather be and nobody I would rather be doing it with and yet some days all I can think about is when I will be able to leave.

I don’t feel like I lost anything but nothing feels the same.

My body weight is almost the same but my body is completely different.

Almost every night I have a nightmare of falling asleep while breastfeeding and not finding her and in the mornings I live the dream of watching her smile or cry….

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A Motherhood Manifesto  

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It’s scary shit to become a Mother- no operation instructions included. All our vulnerabilities, fears and traumas rise to the surface and the gap between who we were, who we think we would be and who we are might be bigger than we imagined.

I’m on week 38 of my pregnancy one of the stages in my life I have enjoyed the most (I feel like a unicorn, a really pregnant unicorn) and so many people ask me “are you ready?” If the question where “do you have all the material things in line?” my answer would be “probably and I can Amazon Prime the rest” but “are you ready?” how can you ever be truly ready for the unknown? By being completely open I guess would be the right answer.

But I made myself a list of reminders because that is what I do when I need to feel a little more control over what is to come. A list that will probably change with time. One that I might look back and laugh at or one that I might print and have on my nightstand. I’m not sure.

 

  • I am enough and whole exactly as I am.

  • Say Yes to Help and then let go of the expectations of how that help needs to be.

  • Build a Tribe that makes you feel loved and supported (Even if you have to pay for a portion of it)

  • You will feel guilt, shame and regret. Learn from it but mostly be Kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can and that is good enough even when it doesn’t feel like it.

  • Your husband is doing the best he knows how. Even if that doesn’t ever feel like enough. Treat your relationship like the foundation on which you will balance and juggle. Be gentle with your words and show love through your eyes.  

  • Every stage will bring a challenge and a blessing. Focus on the blessing.

  • You will shed skin like a snake. Give it time to get comfortable in this new skin and pay attention to the relationships that matter.Mostly the relationship with yourself.  

  • Teach from a place of love not fear. Less with words and more by example. Learn from a place of openness and curiosity.

  • Relax into it. Even if it feels like you are relaxing into a prickly cactus. The more calm you bring to the table, the more calm you will eat.

  • When you look at your body think about it like a Miracle making Space Suit that you are living in. And the way you talk to it and treat it will probably be how your daughter talks and treats her body.

  • It’s ok to lose your shit. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to not feel ok. Welcome all of it.

  • Practice deep gratitude. Long Inhales. Slow exhales.  

  • This is a separate little person. Don’t take her cries, words or actions too personally.

  • Carve your own path into motherhood. Only you get to decide what that looks and feels like.

  • When you feel like you are drowning. Go out in nature, Play your favorite song, Dance, Jump, Scream to the top of your lungs, shake, take a bath, massage your whole body with oil, meditate, paint, journal, bake, pray, cry…..

  • Comparing and Judging will make you miserable.

  • Fear mixes really well with Faith. In other words “Let go and Let God”  

 

 

 

 

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Happiness Threshold

“You need to increase your happiness threshold,” my Acupuncturist said to me as she poked me with a tiny needle that made me feel like she was stabbing me with a knife. I actually go to her because I love talking to her. If I got it my way I would skip the needles lay on my back and talk.

I don’t consider myself a pessimist but I must admit that I have trouble being fully happy. I always look for the broken piece. A part of me believes it’s due to the fact that I’ve never trusted people that make their life sound like they have it all together and another part of it is I’m afraid of the impermanence of happiness. It’s as if I’m always slightly prepared for chaos and that gives me a false sense of security. This was one of the reasons why finding a partner became so hard for me. I kept pushing away the good guys because I was afraid of losing them.

This might not make sense to most of you. You might be logically thinking “well why not enjoy it while it lasts?” Because after much thought on this subject I came to the conclusion that happiness along with any other emotion requires us to be completely vulnerable. The only way to fully experience our lives and stop hiding from them is by being remarkably open and curious to what is showing up. Some of us are more used to the language of fear and some people can only relate to happiness. But wherever you fall under this spectrum the only way not to be dragged and drained by life is by saying YES to whatever shows up.

Yes to happiness, yes to pain, yes to the good, yes to the bad, yes to anxiety, fear, and depression, yes to love kindness and compassion. You can’t pick and choose there needs to be a full embrace of the whole spectrum of emotions. That is how you find your wholeness. It’s as if you open your house to every homeless on the street and instead of just approaching the ones that feel familiar you simply let them all come and go without judgment.

I never thought that saying yes to happiness could be hard. Isn’t that what we all strive for? Don’t we all want to be happy? Well apparently some of us need to learn to embrace it. What feeling or emotion do you have a hard time opening up to?

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